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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29293098">Don't Know How</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizzycm/pseuds/lizzycm'>lizzycm</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Fluff, Letters, Mutual Pining, One Shot, Post-Book 2: Crooked Kingdom, Post-Canon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 06:21:18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,139</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29293098</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizzycm/pseuds/lizzycm</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaz and Inej exchange letters back and forth, as Inej travels the True Sea. But it's the things that go unwritten, the things that get crossed out, that make all the difference.</p><p>A story told in letters.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>103</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Week #3: To Whom It May Concern</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Don't Know How</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Done for the <a href="https://no-mourners-at-my-funeral.tumblr.com/post/642492660309016576/prompt-3">third prompt</a> in the weekly Grishaverse prompt challenge.</p><p>The prompt for this week was to write a story in the form of letters, journal entries, etc. I hope I did well here.</p><p>(Kaz's handwriting is <em>indented</em>. Inej's handwriting is <strong>bold</strong>.)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>The “Donkvogel” is set to sail from Vellgeluk a week from tomorrow. They are planning a route to the southernmost shores of Novyi Zem. Their crew is composed of thirty-two men, no Grisha.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>You are missed at the Slat. Your room is still the way you left it, though.</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No mourners</span>
  </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b>My crew is currently planning the route we’ll take to intercept the “Donkvogel”. You can send your next communication to Shriftport in Novyi Zem.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>The information you sent last time allowed us to intercept a fleet of ships en route to Kerch from Ravka. The captives were returned home safely to their families.</b>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>Part of me still misses Ketterdam. How has the city been doing?</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <b>No funerals</b>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>
    <span>Rumors of your exploits on the True Sea have reached Ketterdam. </span>
  </em>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I feel a congratulations is in order.</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’ve heard of a ship with Shu prisoners currently en route to Vellgeluk. They set sail from Bhez Ju. The ships are low-quality, so you should be able to catch them, though there is a Grisha Inferni on the crew (indentured).</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jesper and Wylan say hello. </span>
  </em>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>So do</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No mourners</span>
  </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b>Kaz -</b>
</p><p>
  <b>We managed to catch the “Donkvogel” before it could make land in Novyi Zem. We’ve turned the crew over to the Zemeni government. Plotting a route for Vellgeluk.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>We may make a pit stop in Ketterdam afterwards. </b>
  <strike>
    <b>I’ll pay the Slat a visit.</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <b>Say hello back to Wylan and Jesper for me. </b>
  <strike>
    <b>And y</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <b>No funerals</b>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>Inej -</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>None of the other spiders in the Barrel are nearly as good as you were. I just agonized over Roeder’s inability to be stealthy for over an hour.</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I mis</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>You should come to the Slat when you stop at Ketterdam.</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Wraith -</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Disclosed is a list of files on a certain Councilman’s affairs in the slaving industry. You may find it useful.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jesper and Wylan have asked me to write that your crew is invited to dinner at the Van Eck mansion when you stop at Ketterdam.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No mourners</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>- Kaz</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b>Kaz - </b>
</p><p>
  <b>List received. Currently going after a part of the fleet en route to the Wandering Isle.</b>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>You weren’t at dinner at Jesper and Wylan’s. I mis</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>How have you been doing? How has the Slat been?</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <b>How are things with the Dregs?</b>
</p><p>
  <b>No funerals</b>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>Inej -</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Wraith -</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No news to report. Will get back in contact when I have new information. We shouldn’t send these letters too frequently - it’s too risky.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The dregs are doing well. You are missed at the Slat.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I miss yo</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No mourners,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>- Kaz</span>
  </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b>Kaz - </b>
</p><p>
  <b>Letters only when needed are safer. The Kerch slavers we intercepted are currently en route to Ketterdam to be dealt with by the justice system there. We’ll make a pit stop at Leflin, and then we’ll be in Os Kervo if you need to send a message there.</b>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>I miss yo</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <b>I’m glad things are going well with the Dregs. Send Jesper and Wylan my love.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>- Wraith</b>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>Inej -</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>It’s currently late at night. I just woke up from a nig</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>You’re safe on the sea. I know you are. You know what you're doing. If anything, those waves should fear you. I</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I miss you. There, I wrote it down. I’ll never send this letter, so it doesn’t matter.</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>Roader is a shitty spider. Hes loud and he’s cocky and I find myself waiting for y</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strike>
    <b>Kaz -</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>It’s windy tonight. I’m sitting up in the Crow’s Nest - yes, I know.</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>I was thinking about y</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>I know I’ll never send this. We agreed, low contact is safest.</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>I miss you.</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>Do you mi</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>Sometimes I’m lonely among my crew. We’re friends but I’ve got secrets from them. Not like you an</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>I</b>
  </strike>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>Inej -</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>There was a shootout today. What’s left of the Dime Lions decided they wanted revenge.</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I kept glancing up for you. I felt like a fool the whole time.</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I was a fool.</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I miss you, Inej. It’s like a poison. It’s like when I lo</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I’ll look to my side and you won’t be there. I’ll go to your room and you won’t be there. There’s someone else there now. Not you. You aren’t sitting at my wi</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I wake up and</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I’ll</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strike>
    <b>Kaz -</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>We made land in Ravka today. I saw my parents. They’re doing well.</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>I also saw Nina. She’s doing better.</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>I remember a conversation we had, back on the “Ferolind”. She said she could feel the change in your breathing when you looked at me. I wonder, would you still catch your breath if we spoke again after all this time?</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>I miss you. I didn’t realize it would hurt this much. Or that part of me, when I’m laying down to go to sleep, still thinks that I should can climb up to your window first to give you the day's news.</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>I wis</b>
  </strike>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b>Kaz -</b>
</p><p>
  <b>I’ve made shore at Os Kervo. Currently resupplying, then we plan to go after a fleet we heard rumors of up north on the Bone Road.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>Things are well with the crew. I spoke to Nina, and she sends well wishes.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>No funerals,</b>
</p><p>
  <b>- Inej</b>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>Inej -</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I can’t stop thinking the night you were in Ketterdam. You were so close, and I never saw you. And it’s like an</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I was trying to go without the gloves. So when you got back, I could give you something better. Touch you for more than a minute. And you deserve so much better.</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I couldn’t. I was weak. I locked myself in my room all night. I locked the windows. I</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>You deserve better. You deserve someone who will touch you and kiss you and lay beside you because I will never be able to give you those things.</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I miss you. I miss you, but I know you’re better away from this city. I kno</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strike>
    <b>Kaz -</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>We’re about to enter the Bone Road. It’s a dangerous area of the sea, but also a famous one. Sankta Alina once sailed here, slayed the sea dragon Rusalye. It’s strangely comforting. Like she’s with me now. Protecting me.</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>Who protects you when you’re scared, Kaz? Who do you imagine watching over you?</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>Do you think about me?</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>I told you once that men mock the gods until they need them. But that’s not what you do, is it? You never pray to anyone because you can’t stand to be seen as vulnerable, even by the Gods.</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>Should I be flattered then, that you let me see you be vulnerable, if only for a moment?</b>
  </strike>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>Shall I tell you about my first kill? I didn’t even have to do it. I was twelve. I wanted to send a message. Shall I tell you about how he begged. Shall I tell you about the knife I used, a cheap one I found somewhere, to cut open his throat. Shall I tell you about the blood I had to wash out of my shirt?</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>Or shall I tell you about the first time I tortured someone? Shall I tell you about how they screamed and begged for mercy? Shall I tell you about how I didn’t even flinch as I made careful, coordinated cuts? Shall I tell you about how after I had gotten what I wanted from them, I had someone dump their body in one of the canals?</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>You deserve so much more than me. In fact, it would be best if you never spoke to me again. Someone who can touch you. Someone whose hands aren’t stained with blood even if you can’t see it. Someone who can touch you and pleasure you and</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>
    <span>Inej -</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’m sending this to Ravka, in the hope it may reach your crew.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>There has been word that a group of Kerch slavers is planning to make way for the Southern Colonies. They won’t be setting sail for another three weeks.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jesper and Wylan are engaged. They want to know when a good time for you to come down would be so they can plan a ceremony accordingly.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>How are yo</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
  <em>
    <span> How are the seas?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No mourners</span>
  </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b>Kaz -</b>
</p><p>
  <b>We just arrived back in Ravka after a successful endeavor on the Bone Road. The slavers we caught are being dealt with by the Fjerdan justice system.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>It will probably take the crew a month to go after the Kerch slavers, but we can make our way to Kerch in about two weeks after that. I wouldn’t want to miss the wedding.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>The seas are calm right now. Not like they were in the Bone Road - choppy, unpredictable. How is everyone back in Ketterdam?</b>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>Is that a metaphor for you and me? Choppy, unpredictable?</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <b>No funerals,</b>
</p><p>
  <b>- Inej</b>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strike>
    <b>Kaz -</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>I’ve been thinking. About Jesper and Wylan’s wedding. And I</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>Sometimes I think about you and me. My dad would walk me down the aisle, and there would be a priest there to bless it for me, and you would be wearing a nice suit. And maybe when the ceremony was complete, and they told us we could kiss, we would. But then I get sick as I think about it. Truth be told, I don’t know if I could handle that. And then I think about our wedding night - would we lay in separate beds, staring at the ceiling?</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>It wouldn’t be all bad, though. You’d probably steal me some expensive ring from an upstanding mercher that would fit my finger perfectly. And every morning when I woke up, there would be a fresh bouquet of flowers on my bedside table - of what, I don’t know. I never got to learn what my favorite flower was.</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>Saints I want</b>
  </strike>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>
    <span>Inej -</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>The wedding has been scheduled for two months from now - a private ceremony at the Van Eck mansion.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ketterdam has been quiet. There’s a higher demand for labor - you’re already having an effect on the slave trade. </span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>T<strike>hey’re saying that the saints themselves are guiding your sails.</strike></span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I mi</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No mourners,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>- Kaz</span>
  </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>Inej -</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>This will be the first time I’ve seen you in over a year. And I know it’s pathetic, but I’m nervous. I wonder what you’d think of the crumpled up letters shoved in a drawer in my desk. Of yours, carefully kept in a box.</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I miss you. I tried to write that in my latest letter, but I crossed it out. Maybe we’ll just sit six feet away from one another in separate chairs at the ceremony and pretend the other doesn’t exist.</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>Maybe it would be better that way.</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b>Kaz -</b>
</p><p>
  <b>Your tip proved fruitful. We’re taking the captives back to their home countries, and after that, we’ll set sail for Ketterdam. We’ll be making a stop at Ravka and picking up Nina as well.</b>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>I mis</b>
  </strike>
  <b> It’ll be nice to be back on solid land.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>No funerals,</b>
</p><p>
  <b>- Inej</b>
  <b><br/>
</b>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strike>
    <b>I had a dream. It’s late, and I’m sitting up in the captain’s quarters.</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>In the dream, I was back with my family, performing my trapeze routine. Except there wasn’t the usual ring below me, there were choppy waves. And you were in the audience, and you wanted to come on the trapeze with me, and I kept telling you you couldn’t, because you had a heist to plan.</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>Will that always be you and me? Me flying through the world, and you can’t come along because there’s always some else.</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>Would you want to fly with me? Would you even want to be wi</b>
  </strike>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>Inej</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>Inej</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I’ll be wearing gloves to the ceremony. But</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I don’t</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b>Kaz -</b>
</p><p>
  <b>We’ve made land at Berth 22. The Crew will be staying at the ship tonight, but I thought I’d let you know.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>Hopefully you don’t have a problem with me sliding this under your window. </b>
  <strike>
    <b>I could still climb up there with my eyes closed.</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <b>I’ll see you at the ceremony.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>No funerals,</b>
</p><p>
  <b>- Inej</b>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>
    <span>Inej -</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’ve found some interesting information on a fleet of ships, which you’ll find disclosed below. Thought I’d give you something to look over while you waited.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I’ve missed yo</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’ll see you at the ceremony.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>No mourners,</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>- Kaz</span>
  </em>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <b>I<strike>’ll see you tomorrow. At the ceremony.</strike></b>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>I’ve missed you.</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>Like an ache. Maybe I’ll say it aloud. Or maybe we’ll sit in silence at the reception, never saying a word to one another. Maybe you won’t even show up.</b>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <b>I’ve still missed you.</b>
  </strike>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I’ve missed you.</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>I’ve missed you every hour you weren’t sitting at my window. Every minute I glanced to my side and you weren’t there. Every second when you weren’t there behind me, my silent shadow.</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p><p>
  <strike>
    <em>
      <span>Inej, I</span>
    </em>
  </strike>
</p>
<hr/><p>
  <em>
    <span>Inej -</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>While it would be delightful to watch Jesper continue to drunkenly ramble about how much he loves Wylan, I need to have a conversation with you in private. Meet me out on the balcony in five minutes.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>I’ve missed you.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>- Kaz</span>
  </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <a href="https://no-mourners-at-my-funeral.tumblr.com/">Come and chat with me on Tumblr</a>
</p></blockquote></div></div>
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